SexEd Sucks
by Miss Sunday Of The 7th Key
Summary: When Final High is required to sit through a Sex-Ed class, will Cloud be able to survive being in the same room with the teacher- Sephiroth? Why is Zack talking like a street thug? Yaoi, SephCloud, MAJOR CRACK and OOCness.


This, apparently, is for Hana-Chan's buddy- apparently, it's her buddy's birthday.

Why I'M the one writing this, I have no clue.

…

Okay, so what, I wanted to do something making fun of Sephy and Cloud, but that's beside the point.

Enjoy, Sarah!

WARNING: YAOI AHEAD, VERY OOC CHARACTERS(except for Sephiroth)! MAJOR CRACK!

* * *

"…Y-You're kidding right? Please, Vinny, tell me this is your sick emo-kid humor."

"I wish, and for the millionth-and-seventh time- MY NAME IS VINCENT."

"That's a stupid name!"

"Says the fag named Cloud."

"MY PARENTS ARE HIPPIES! WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS!"

Vincent rolled his ruby eyes (or eye, considering his ebony hair hid one), tugging his red blazer tighter around himself, like a cloak. He poked at his project for Science, unsmiling as the metal claws of his "armored hand" twitched. "Cloud, I'm sorry. But Tifa told Hope, who told Sora who, of course, told his twin Roxas, who told Riku, who told Yuffie, who told Vanille, who told Fang, who told me. And with that kind of direct information, you can't deny it." He explained, a bit out of breath from naming so many people.

Cloud, a blond of age 16, frowned at his upper-classed lab partner. "Damn. I thought they'd just forgotten…"

"Unfortunately, no." The brunette ceased tinkering with the project before sitting back and admiring it.

They'd spent weeks on it- finally, their "weapon of mass awesome", as the freshman Sora had put it, was complete. It was a claw- or, more accurately, a glove shaped like a claw- made entirely of welded metal that their Shop teacher, Coach Barret, had allowed them to use. With Cloud and Vincent's genius (and Aerith's use of fabric to make it look cool), the glove could move as the human hand did, as fluently as a human's as well, while at the same time could slice clean through wood.

For sure, they'd win the Science fair.

Where were the two, you might have asked by now. Cloud Strife and his cradle-mate Vincent Valentine were currently attending Final High, a high school in their small city called Twilight Town. The school was notorious as one of the best in the world (though it was a small world), and with grades like that of the duo, the freshman Hope Estheim, and the athletic junior "Lightning" (A.k.a Clair Farron, fondly called Éclair by her college-bound boyfriend Snow Villiers and her sister Serah). It was a large school, with many diverse people, all with their own form of brilliance.

And that didn't stop at the students.

"Ah, good work, guys. Lookin' good. Now, as long as Tifa and Yuffie don't beat you with that cute robot cat, I guarantee that this'll win regional." Their Science teacher, Mr. Katzroy, declared, before going back to tend to the class pet, a chick named Chocobo. Mr. Katzroy was only 29, but he already had his complete Master's Degree in the new subject Automaton-Biology, and a degree in teaching. He wasn't Cloud's favorite teacher (that would always be Coach Barret), but he admired him for being a down-to-Earth type of man- even more so because he had a lot of strength (both physical, emotional, and mental) to take care of a seven-year-old on his own. Vincent felt the same way, but it was because he had approved of their idea.

Cloud smiled at the dark-skinned man as he turned and left, before letting his face fall and his eyes narrow at Vincent. "Are you sure?" He muttered, hope in his blue eyes- surely, his friend was joking.

Vincent smiled grimly. "Yes. All classes are required to attend a Sex-Ed class today after lunch. The juniors and seniors are going first, and then the freshmen and sophomores." He paused, before smacking his head on the table in a very un-Vincent-like manner. "And the prick teaching it is Mister Shinra."

The blond flinched at the name. He hated the young teacher for all he was worth- his girly, long, white hair, his creepy frown that made Sora cry on his (and Cloud's) first day of high school, and his cool, darkly calm voice that scared the living shit out of the shitless. Not to mention the fact that the man gave him a pedophilic look of pure hatred every time their eyes met.

Cloud sighed deeply. "Fine." He deadpanned. "But he gets anywhere near my jewels, I'll off him."

At that, Yuffie turned her head and snickered. "What jewels? Last time I checked, you had none."

"You're mistaking me for Vinny."

"IT'S VINCENT- wait, what?"

* * *

Sora let out a loud bawl, his deep blue eyes dripping with tears as his fraternal twin comforted him.

The-bastard-formally-known-as-Sephiroth had, once again, gone out of his way to torture the childish fourteen-year-old. He'd caught the brownette carrying his art project- his giant key sculpture- and shouted at him because he thought it to be a weapon.

Roxas glared darkly, his arms tightly wrapped around his brother. "You're an asshole! I'm so totally skipping this sex shit!" he shouted. Normally, he didn't have such a horrible mouth, but when someone harmed his brother, he turned into a sour creature from the deepest corners of Hell. Plus, he really hated the white-haired man.

Just like everyone else.

"Detention for foul language, and suspension for attempting to skip class." The teacher declared calmly, not even looking up as he wrote down the form. He handed it to the sandy blond, who took it begrudgingly but without argument- it would be pointless, anyways.

Sora sniffled. "Why are you so mean, Mister Shinra…?" He questioned, his eyes wide and innocent.

At that moment, Cloud and Vincent stepped around the corner, sour expressions unhidden.

Vincent sighed deeply as he witnessed the event occurring outside the door to the Auditorium, took out his ruby-colored cell phone, and began to send a message to the twin's companions, Riku and Kairi, for them to come and collect their friends. "Hey, it's okay, Sora." He consoled, gently resting his hand on the shoulder that wasn't pressed into Roxas. "Come on, you're fourteen! Where's that sunshine we all love?"

Cloud smiled a bit. For some reason unbeknownst to EVERYONE, Vincent was excellent with kids.

Sora brightened a bit, and grinned. "Yeah! Totally! After all, I am the Keyblade Wielder!" He shouted, holding up his project.

Roxas rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, we know, you kick ass at the Wii game, we know."

Meanwhile, Sephiroth had already glided (or so it appeared with his long black trench coat) into his room. Cloud and Vincent followed suite, throwing worried looks at each other. Lightning, Yuffie, and Fang were right behind them, muttering about the incident that took place outside.

Soon, the others followed, until the entire senior class (forty-five students) and junior class (fifty-four students) were seated patiently.

Well, most were patient.

"Hurry up, jerk!" Cloud shouted, his eyebrows narrowed. _What the Hell? He makes us wait a half hour so he can talk to Ms. Keymaker? What an asshole!_

Sephiroth seemed to have heard that (or Ms. Keymaker did, and she pointed it out), for he turned his head and fixed his silver gaze on Cloud's blue-eyed one.

Cloud let his face fall to his usual stoic glare as the silver man made his way to the front of the stage, where there was a large projection screen.

Sephiroth seemed to fiddle with the computer he'd been given before turning sharply. "Juniors and seniors, as much as this pains me to say… Welcome to Sex Ed. I'm your teacher for this hopefully short presentation."

A collective chorus of groans and sarcastic jeers were heard, and a red-headed junior named Reno jumped out of his seat and howled his approval, gaining the laughter of some cute senior girls behind him.

Cloud rolled his eyes, grabbed the book Vincent had been reading (ignoring the small, quiet scoff), and chucked it at the ponytailed boy's head, Vincent chuckling lightheartedly as it hit its mark- in-between Reno's eyes.

"ENOUGH!"

The bellow sent chills down the spines of the classes. Everyone instantly calmed down, expressions all showing fear and discomfort. Sephiroth, pleased with this obviously fearful reaction, clicked the small remote in his hand.

Cloud covered his mouth quickly- if anyone heard him howl with laughter like he wanted to, they'd mistake him for someone who wanted attention. But, honestly, the image before him was too hilarious to contain, so he snickered anyways.

Obviously Sephiroth hadn't made the PowerPoint- it was too feminine for the "manly-man" to even think of creating. The first slide was the symbols for the boys' and girls' bathrooms, and a big, mushy heart in-between them. In curly letters, it said, "Ah! Love! Man and Woman!"

Sephiroth looked ready to die.

It was too beautiful for words.

"Maybe this won't be so bad, eh, Cloud?" Tifa mumbled on his other side, her arm wrapped around his.

Cloud blushed, nodding. He found Tifa to be… attractive, he guessed. Maybe he had a crush on her, maybe he didn't. He wasn't sure yet. She was hot though. "I'm loving it already. Who made this gay shit?" He asked quietly, his grin growing as the silver-haired twitched with obvious discomfort and continued the lesson.

"Ms. Keymaker. You know how she is; she loves that anime-cute stuff."

"Oh yeah. Wow… I think this is the best day of my life."

"Not yet. You want to go and get a smoothie after school? Or can you handle being away from your red-eyed lover?"

Cloud blushed darker, his smile growing wider. Vincent obviously heard that, for he turned a tinted red and coughed into his hand. "I think I can handle. Vincent? You mind sleeping alone?"

The brunette snorted. "I'm sure I'll be fine." He smirked. "I'll have my ice-cream and romance flicks to derive from the aching pain that comes with your absence, Cloud, my dearest love!" He whispered dramatically. Tifa let out a silent round of laughter, and Cloud buried his face in his hands.

"You asshole."

"Hm."

"AHEM."

The three jumped, and each blushed equally red as silver eyes glared in their direction. "Since you seem so keen to speak, perhaps you'd like to be an example, Mr. Strife?" Sephiroth called, his head tilted to the side.

Cloud groaned, and shook his head. He really wouldn't. In fact, straddling Vincent and calling him, "Sugar Daddy" seemed more appealing than being anywhere close Sephiroth. Nevertheless, he stood, and begrudgingly made his way to the front of the auditorium. Vincent sent glares at anyone who was snickering, which in turn earned him a thankful wink from his blond friend.

Sephiroth saw this, and rolled his eyes. He grabbed Cloud's shoulder roughly, his gaze intensifying. Cloud froze in his spot, feeling a little less than a shota about to be auctioned to the highest bidder.

_What his up with this guy's touch? He feels like he's about to rape me… Good thing there aren't any desks around. He seems like the type…_

Sephiroth gripped rougher, and Cloud jumped out of his thoughts. "Now, I need a volunteer… Since Cloud loves pretty girls…"

"Way to go, man!"

"SHUTTUP, RENO!"

"…Since Cloud loves pretty girls, let's get one to come up here to help. How about… you? You're quite a beautiful lady." The teacher pointed at someone, and Cloud twitched.

"… Excuse me?"

Cloud sighed. _Kill me now, Gaia…_

"Just...J-Just get up here, Vincent."

* * *

They swore, both Vincent and Cloud were going to die. They silently agreed to kill each other after school- Tifa would have to be disappointed.

"'As much as I love y-you… I refuse to have sex with you until we're-until we're married.'" Vincent read, his face matching his headband. He doubted he'd ever been more completely and utterly humiliated before. After all; he was Vincent Valentine! One of hottest MEN in the school! Girls adored him! And as much as he'd say he hated it, in truth, he didn't mind the attention.

To be called a girl… A "beautiful girl"…

He was going to beg Cloud that the blonde kill him, then himself.

Cloud sighed deeply; now he was certain the teacher was from Hell. His rage had been building ever since Sephiroth had asked them to put on a demonstration of what to do in one of those, "but I love you!" situations. So far, he'd been forced to be a lot gayer than he normally was (Cloud believed that for every male to be successful with women, he had to be a least a little gay), and, worse, he was forced to do it with his best friend. He felt his rage build and build, until he was sure he'd break. He opened his mouth to speak the last line, when he caught the ending.

_*Kiss girl*? Oh, HELL NO…!_

But did he have a choice?

"'T-Then, since I love you, I'll respect you, and merely give you a ki'-OH, FUCK THIS!"

The blonde reared behind him, bringing his fist to connect with a pale cheek, said owner of cheek letting out a grunt of surprise.

The entire auditorium was silent, utterly silent. Even Vincent was stunned.

Cloud, usually, was a calm, quietly sweet and kind person. Rarely did he yell, and when he did, it was barely above his normal tone. He loved to fight to prove his strength, but since he'd been hanging with more girls, he'd learned that they frowned upon it, and refrained from doing so. Not only that, but he was intelligent enough to know whether fighting was really necessary.

This is why Vincent adored his company. Even when he did show fury, it was to a relatively mild tone. He'd never screamed that loudly, and certainly never punched a teacher. He would have terrified the freshmen who looked up to him.

But, even if Cloud was frightening, he was nowhere close to Mister Shinra's level.

"_**You little brat…**_" he hissed. Cloud thought he saw anger, but what met his eyes was probably worst.

Sephiroth really did seem to want to screw the boy.

Not screw with him, like Cloud thought.

But screw him.

_Holy shit, he's a masochist…_

The teachers were on him in a second, pulling the blond away from the silver. They thought that he was going to try and seriously injure Sephiroth, which didn't make sense, he'd used all his anger in that one punch.

Sephiroth, on the hand… Yeah… Not so much.

Vincent and Tifa quickly went to his side, pulling him away from the teachers so he could right himself.

"I'm fine! It's okay." He declared, brushing off his black jacket. He glanced at Sephiroth, who as also being contained by Coach Barret.

Sephiroth wrenched himself free, and pointed at the blond boy. "I want to see you in detention, TODAY. No excuses, you little brat." He demanded.

Cloud rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Don't get pissy just because I bruised that pretty face of yours, Princess." He jeered.

"Hey, hey, hey! Language, Mister Strife!"

The long-haired teacher didn't respond, his glare merely increased its heat.

Tifa pouted, and hugged Cloud, who blushed lightly yet again. "Sorry. I heard Zack's in detention too, maybe you'll see him." She told the blond, her big, brown eyes glittering.

Cloud sighed deeply. "Hm. Let's just finish this so I can go to detention, then go home."

* * *

Tifa had been correct, Zack was there.

The two shared a dark glare of hatred, before bursting out into laughter and executing the classic guy-handshake, shoulder bump and all.

"My, my, you naughty, naughty boy! What did you do this time?" Cloud joked, blond brow raised, with one hand on his hip.

Sasuk- I mean, Zack, snorted. "What didn't I do? Man, Mister Shinra is nothing but a cock sucking asshole, I swear." He snapped. "Me and Lightning are talking, right? This prick freaking waltzes up and yanks us twenty feet apart from each other, crying about 'PDA'! I think he's just jealous that he can't get some of my gorgeous ass."

"As much as I'd love to dignify that with a response, I find it better that nobody talks during my detentions."

Cloud and Zack jumped. "How does he do that?" Cloud mumbled on his way to his seat, Zack shrugging and plugging his iPod into his ears. Cloud sighed as he heard the heavy metal blare. He counted to three, making a personal bet against how long it would take for Sephiroth to snatch the object.

Wow. New record- three seconds.

"AUGH! FREAKING DICK!"

Sephiroth narrowed his eyes. "I hate you children. You're nothing but a bunch of rowdy country punks. Why, when I was a General, I had you little brats look at me with respect and fear." He droned, his eyes distant, like he was imagining better times.

Cloud raised an eyebrow. Was he supposed to dignify that with a response?

The silver-eyed huffed. "They also wouldn't sock me in my jaw." He added.

Zack's head snapped to the blonde, his dark eyes widening. He mouthed, "You punched him?" before inspecting the dark mark on Sephiroth cheek from his spot at his desk.

Cloud rolled his eyes yet again- he'd been doing that a lot that day- and scoffed. "I don't care. You deserved it. You knew that Vincent and I were really good friends, and that he was a boy. Why did you try to embarrass us? In fact, while we're on the subject, why do you hate me in general?"

Sephiroth seemed surprised. He tilted his head to the side, as if to study Cloud. Shockingly, his eyes softened. "I don't hate you. Whatever gave you that notion?"

Cloud almost punched him again.

Almost.

"Well, let's see… You harass me and my friends on a daily basis, you go out of your way to humiliate me, and you personally make it your mission to ruin my love life! I was going to finally get a date with Tifa, BUT NOOOO. I'm stuck here with YOU." He snapped.

"If I remember correctly, Mister Strife, that was not my fault, but yours."

"…Yeah… Well… If you had picked an actual GIRL, instead of my best mate-!"

"Hm. I thought the two of you were 'a couple'."

"…THAT'S IT, YOU'RE DEAD!"

Zack barely made it over to Cloud before he leapt at the elder man, his arms aching as the heavy weight of the blond fell against him. "Easy, EASY! Bro, calm down! This is just what that cock-sucker wants!" He cried, his arms putting Cloud in a sleeper hold.

Cloud let out a ragged breath, before relaxing in the smaller's arms. "Hm. Such a nasty temper. You leap up every time I mention the idea of you and Vincent being gay together… Why is this?" Sephiroth asked, his head tilted yet again.

Zack, realizing that he probably didn't want to be in the middle of this (and that his attempts to hold Cloud back would inevitably fail eventually), let his friend go and split. The two barely recognized his speedy departure; they'd already begun a standoff.

"Shut up." Cloud ordered, his eyes dark blue.

"Why? Because you love your best friend?"

"I do, but not like that! He's like a brother!"

"Ah… I had no idea you liked incest. I suppose everyone has their preferences-"

"SHUT UP. I don't do incest, and I don't do guys! I'm straight, and so is Vincent- THAT'S why I'm offended."

"…Oh…?"

Cloud blinked, and the elder closed the distance between them. He barely registered that the silver hair smelled of soot, or that his eyes seemed less-than-furious.

Sephiroth caught a strand of Cloud's gold hair, and twirled it between his fingers thoughtfully. "Perhaps the true reason why you get so defensive is not because you're "straight", and not because you're in love with Vincent. Perhaps…" He trailed off.

Cloud suddenly found it very, very hard to breathe. It was as though the man was surrounded by poisonous fumes that dulled the reaction speed of a human. He took a step back, only to trip and fall into the desk that Zack had pushed horizontally when he'd jumped up to refrain him. Sephiroth towered over him, his silver eyes boring into blue with predatory interest.

"Perhaps…" He repeated, his head lowering to Cloud's ear, supple, dark lips pushing against his earlobe and sending chills down his spine. "Perhaps the reason is because you are homosexual, yet refuse to come to terms with it?" Cloud knew it wasn't a question, but it sounded like one.

He let out a small grunt as Sephiroth bit his ear. He coughed to hide it, and pushed the elder's head away with his hands. "Get away, you pervert!" He shouted. He attempted to stand, only to yelp in shock as he was forced back down, his hands pinned and all. He heard a low, seductive chuckle in his ear again, and it made him tense up.

"Relax, Mister Strife… See…? I don't hate you. In fact, I'm rather ecstatic that you punched me… It gives me a chance to repay you for being such a little distraction. For being such a cute, delectable little distraction…"

_D-Distraction? Aw, Hell no… YOU HAVE TO BE SHITTING ME! HE LIKES ME? Of all the hot chicks, I'M the one he wants to bang? Oh, fuck my life!_

Cloud found his shirt yanked up, and he flailed his legs to push the perverted teacher off. Alas, to no avail. He shut his eyes, trying to block out the sounds of Sephiroth humming in both amusement and arousal.

"Cute." The teacher declared, before standing and returning to his desk in a rather calm fashion.

Cloud blinked. "What the fuck?" He mumbled. His shirt was still ridden up his abs, and it only caused his teacher to smirk at his obviously bothered state.

Did Cloud just miss the past few moments? The teacher hadn't even kissed him! He just yanked up his shirt and called him, "cute"!

It was final.

Sephiroth was a terrible rapist.

* * *

Sephiroth was the best rapist on the planet.

Cloud learned this the hard way.

Halfway into the detention, he grew so emotionally confused (not to mention he'd gotten a little hard from the ear action), he had no choice but to speak up.

"Why did you just do that? Lift up my shirt and call me cute, I mean."

Sephiroth didn't bother looking up from his book. He smirked. "Because, Mister Strife"- when did him saying Cloud's last name make the blond feel warmer than usual?- "I am better suited for men, not little boys who hide in closets."

_Wait, did he just call me closet-gay? DID HE JUST CALL ME LITTLE?_

Cloud forced his immense hatred down and snorted. "I could totally handle you… IF I was gay- which I'm not."

"Of course. Care to back up that statement?"

Cloud blushed darkly.

"Thought so."

"Shut up… I'm still debating on whether to tell the principal!"

"Oh? Should I change your mind, then?"

Cloud jumped back again as Sephiroth was, yet again, pinning him to his seat. _How does he do that?_ Cloud wondered, before letting out a small squeak. Sephiroth chuckled deep in his throat, before kissing the younger's neck over and over, sucking and biting at the skin.

"Relax… Think of it as part of your detention."

"H-Hey, wait a damn minute, you fucking pervert, get your hand away from my- oh, dear Gaia…"

"Hm…"

* * *

Vincent waited patiently at his friend's home (Cloud's obscure mother-maternal-robot-figure-type-person let him in), dreading the long rant of how the silver-eyed demon tortured him.

What he received, however, was the opposite.

Cloud slammed his door open, a dreamy, far-off look about him. He ignored his obscure mother-maternal-robot-figure-type-person, shoving the sandwich she had made back into her face and dodging all questions about why his pants were undone and the buttons seemingly ripped off.

This, naturally, sent the bells, gears, and whistles off in the red-eye's head, but he made no move to stand. He was quite comfortable (lazy). He just inclined his head as his question.

"…I don't w-want to talk about it…" The blond muttered loftily, the dreamy just-been-shagged appearance (with matching hair and ruffled clothes) still evident and blatantly obvious.

Vincent raised a dark brow, but didn't press for answers. He let the blond retreat into his room, and let his own imagination run wild.

_Sephiroth likes them blond, young, and insecure about their sexuality, eh? What a pervert… Cloud's going to be so pissed when he gets off that high he's in. I wonder how long it'll take the poor soul to realize he was just fucked by the guy he hates the mo-_

"SON OF A BITCH!"

* * *

THE END!  
Hope you all enjoyed! I sure as Hell did… XD

In fact, I think this is the funniest thing I've wrote since my last crackfic.

Reviews are loved!

Happy Birthday Sarah!


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